In the beginning....

  This post should have probably been one of the first I wrote, but I guess I was just going where my heart took me and it wasn't until now, that I felt as though I was able to "admit" how I felt way back then! (6 years ago! LOL)

  With that being said here is the very beginning of our journey! 

 At about 20 weeks, we learned we were going to have a baby girl.... the excitement was undecidable... all my life I wanted a baby girl. The lord had finally blessed me with one! Hannah was a blessing from the beginning, I had some medical issues when I was younger and I was told I might not be able to have children, and if I did get pregnant it may be a high risk pregnancy, so when I got pregnant so quickly after stopping my birth control, (about 8 months) we were shocked... and so was my doctor. I was at risk for an ectopic pregnancy so I had my 1st ultrasound at 8 weeks she looked really good ,she was sitting in the right spot so the concern was gone and we went on as "normal" . I loved being pregnant, I felt good, I wasn't sick at all, I was happy and feeling very blessed. 

About 26 weeks in to the pregnancy I had a route blood test. They were testing for the probability of Spina Bifia and Down Syndrome. It didn't seem to be a big deal since there was no history in my family and I was on 29! Well about 3 days after the draw I received a call from the doctors office ... " Mrs Johnson, the doctor needs to see you and your husband as soon as possible  are you free today or tomorrow?" those word echoed in my mind for months, maybe even a year. That was the day I learn I had a 

1 in 45 chance my baby girl would have Down Syndrome...... " Down Syndrome? What is that? Why? How does it happen?" Mrs Johnson we are able to do a test of fluid too see for sure if the baby has it, but you could loose her." Or if you want, you still have about a month if you want to "get rid" of "IT"!!!! REALLY?? After all I went through medically you ask me if I want to "get rid" of "IT"! At this point in the visit I didn't know if I was more angry with the doctor for suggesting I get rid of "it" or that she MIGHT have DS...... I cried for days, I asked God why we were going through this, why would he allow this to happen... What did I do to deserve this? I was sucked in to the same mind set as almost all of the medical field. Down syndrome was the end of the world.... yes I will have a baby, but she will be sick , she will never learn, she will have no quality of life, she would never talk, never walk, she would never go to prom, she wouldn't be a cheerleader, or play sport... she will be a burden. A disabled person who needed me to take care of her forever. So then I prayed, I thanked God for this precious baby girl , I prayed for wisdom, I prayed for strength! Then I started reading.

I Googled "Down Syndrome Babies" Some of the web pages made 

me cry.... some scared me. These babies have heart defect....low mussel tone..mentally retarded....non-verbal....non mobile , very sick! Then I Googled  Down Syndrome Blogs. I saw picture of babies with DS who melted my heart... stories of great successes ... parent so humbled by the lessons they learned from their little ones. It wasn't all bad.  I also found an essay,written in 1987 by Emily Kingsley,

 it really made me understand I wasn't the only person who had these feeling, the poem is called "Welcome to Holland". 

I then found hope.

 I was ready. 

As my pregnancy  processed the amount of ultrasounds was unbelievable..... there was no guarantee she would even have Down syndrome but they wanted to make sure she was ok...... They never found anything to indicate she would be a "Downs baby"( their words, not mine). So I became less scared of the possibly. 

As my due date grew closer and closer I began to have a feeling she would in fact have Down Syndrome. I have no idea what it was but my heart told me she did! I embraced the possibles ....I came to peace with the news..... Regardless she was my baby girl, my blessing, my Hannah!!!! I would love forever and always, I would learn as she learned, I would do anything I had to do to make sure she was as "normal" as she possible be. I would be her mommy no matter what!  I was ready..... I had no idea what to except but I was given a gift.. it was my job to take care of her!  I love you to the moon and back , always and forever!!!!

Liz